The idea of friendship is one that I commonly think about. I also commonly think about all of my friends, both old and new, near and far. But the idea of friendship also creeps in quite frequently. What is it? How does it work? The evolution of friendships over time, distance and through changes. What does it mean to be a friend? How to be a good friend when you're not there to give a hug or to hang out.
Anyways, I have lots of different ideas on friendship rolling around up there and I wanted to get them on paper sooner, rather than later. So here goes an attempt at trying to successfully convey some of the ideas in my head.
I'm starting with two ideas: new friends and leaving friends.
We've met a lot of people since being here. To be absolutely honest, we haven't met as many people as we thought we would, but that really isn't here nor there. We've met a lot of people and some of them have become our new friends. Making new friends is a hard process, or at least it is for me. In most situations, I have a strong inclination to loyalty and an aversion towards change and if I feel that a new friendship or relationship will threaten the existence of an old one, or will change it involuntarily, I'm not buying it. For example, when I was in high school, I had an amazing relationship with my youth pastor and when a new youth pastor came in to join the team, I just couldn't stomach it. I couldn't get over the fact that someone new was trying to replace someone old. Plus, I love the comfort of an old friend. They're like putting on your pajamas after a long day in a suit, so comfortable, so easy to be with. You don't have to explain why you think a certain way, or why you feel a certain way, they just know.
I digress, this post is supposed to be about new friends. New friends for me are a bit tricky because you have to go through the initial process of getting to know each other, becoming comfortable with each other, all in all the process of becoming friends. I know that some people love this part of the friendship journey, but not me. I'd much rather chat about life over coffee, the way you can with an old friend, than go out for drinks and dancing with new friends.
Also, this is the first time that Ryan and I are making friends together. We're a couple here, 100%. When we were both at school, I had my friends and Ryan had his friends. When I was living in Chicago, I had my friends there and Ryan had his friends in Chicago. Granted my friends hung out with Ryan and I hung out with Ryan's friends but we didn't have any friends that we'd met as a couple. Here all of friends know us as a couple. Only on occasion are we invited to do things separately. Usually if Sarah and Corine are having a girls night Ryan isn't invited and if Ryan is going to hang out with Garret, I'm not invited. And that's totally fine! It's just that now our friendships are joint, which has been a whole new learning curve. Plus, strangely, most of our friends here are in a pair. It's just all very new and interesting!
It's been even trickier to make friends here because people are here for such a short time. And somehow Ryan and I have the luck of really getting comfortable with someone just as they're about to leave. For example, Maria Jose, who lived with us right before she left Ecuador. We saw each other on and off during the 6 months or so that we were both in Ecuador but it wasn't until she decided on a date to fly back to the States for good that we actually became good friends. And then of course, its a race against the clock because your days are numbered. When she left, I cried. She was the first person that I felt super comfortable with and she was leaving. One of the agonies of being abroad.
Then we had Caitlin stay here and exactly the same thing happened. She moved in, we got close, she left. It's a hard process to get used to and it has really challenged my thoughts on friendship. Since Caitlin left we've had Christine leave, Rachel leave, Cat leave, Danni leave, Mike leave and now we've found out that Corine, Sarah and Jhon are probably leaving sometime in January. The glimmer of hope... Ross y Lenke who will be here longer than us. They'll be the first people that we leave, instead of leaving us.
I've always thought of friends as people who are in your life for the long haul. People who you can call on at any point in your life, and because they've been there, they understand the pretext, subtext, and whatever other text of the situation, problem, or celebration. But with all of these speed-dating friendships I've realized that this definition or idea of friendship isn't sustainable. A dear friend can be someone that you've only spent a little bit of time together and then continue the friendship via correspondence. That is allowed. That is ok. This type of friendship does count as an actual friend. (This part is probably more for me, than for you.)
So there you have it... New friends are hard to make. I've been questioning the validity of friendship that happen quickly, run out of time and then continue by email/skype/facebook. But I've come to the conclusion that they're real friendships. It's hard to say goodbye to friends. The friendship really depends on the two parties staying in touch and the two parties making an effort to seek each other out. But more on that later.
Stay tuned for Part 2.
MULUB,
Taylor
PS. 38 Days until we are in the USA!
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