We went to a wedding tonight. It was the first wedding that we'd been to as an engaged couple. I was really excited to look at the wedding from a different stand point... to look for ideas and such. The wedding was beautifully reflective of the couple and that I really appreciated. But there, in the middle of this huge wedding, instead of thinking about wedding I felt so much anxiety, a sure sign that I'm still adjusting.
It's strange because I've never really posted on church before. I've written many a posts about it, but never published them... But here goes. So the wedding was at our church, our old church. Ryan and I were both really involved in church during high school and the first two years of college. Like really involved. Like, I didn't go away to (my dream) school because I was doing an internship at my church. I don't really know how to write about tonight without a little bit of back story.
So we both invested a lot of time, a lot of energy, a lot of emotions and relationships in our church for six years. We worked there, volunteered there, worshiped there, were mentored there, were members there, etc. It's taken me five years (and counting) to piece together my time there into something understandable, instead of just something spiritual. Anyways, we were there tonight, right back in the middle of the things and the people that were so formative during those six years and we were both really disheartened, really anxious and mostly, disappointed. Maybe this is silly and juvenile, but no one misses us, very few people recognized us, even fewer said hello and only 2 people asked us about our lives. Now granted we did our best not to talk to many people, I won't even pretend that we didn't. It just stinks to think that all of the good that you thought you were doing doesn't matter to those that you did it for once your gone. (And yes I realize the intrinsic flaw in this statement, but as a high schooler you do things for people.)
Some people talk about dreading their high school reunion because it will bring back all of those old feelings and insecurities like not being pretty enough or popular enough. I've never felt that way about high school but boy did I feel that way tonight. I love the life that Ryan and I have created for ourselves. I think it's pretty baller and impressive and fun and amazing. I love the people that we have become. We have depth of interest and perspective, we like to talk about things, not just people. We're pretty awesome. But there, at church tonight, I felt uncool. Like I would never be cool enough to be accepted as a friend and equal by these people. How does that happen at church? And this is the crux of my adjustment issues... In Ecuador we dealt with these things on a philosophical level because we didn't have to confront them face to face, but here in America everything is head on, in your face, here I am, let's do this. And I just don't know how to reconcile my philosophical stance and my reality.
What Ryan and I have realized through many conversations with each other and the two wisest people we know is that we had it all wrong before. But still it just stinks to leave our church and feel worse about ourselves than we have felt in almost two years. That's a crappy feeling, made only crappier because of all that it entails.
So while the wedding was beautiful and emotional, we both needed a glass of wine when we got home! Of course, my dad was up with Chuki (long past my dad's bed time). Someday he'll learn to just put him in his crate!
One thing I did love from tonight was this statement (or something like it): Find the most generous explanation of someone's behavior and choose to believe it.
So while these people and this place hurt us, I have to believe that they don't realize it and they don't do it intentionally and that it's just a byproduct of the megachurch and then be done with it.
