There's a fruit and vegetable market a few blocks from our place and it has a bit more ambiance than the soulless MegaMaxi, so we decided to shop there for our produce. Unfortunately, and this is where MegaMaxi has the upper hand, none of the produce is labeled. Which, ok, I'm not some mouth-breathing man-child, so I can identify the onions and tomatoes and such, but there are fruits. here that I have never seen before, so some of them could serve the same purpose as the seashells in Demolition Man for all I know.
I just cannot, however, I won't, I will not go without trying everything there is to offer here so I pick up some mystery produce. The problem is I'm not sure how to eat some of them. I've already failed at eating a granadilla (a fruit that, for whatever reason, seems to have a roe sack). Anyway I examine one of the fruits that I bought and my cursory google/wikipedia/youtube research tells me that it is a black sapote. This is good. I've wanted to eat a black sapote for the longest time, I just don't know how, I don't know when.
Now some of you (and I really do mean some, we only have 10 followers) may be saying to yourself, "Ryan, you are the dumbest person I know! Just cut the darn thing open and eat it!" Well if you did just say that to yourself, and not just because you're reading the blog outloud, but because you actually meant it and presumably have some personal issues you need to work on, then do me a favor and find a tropical fruit you've never heard of and google how to eat it. It's honestly scary. I guarantee it will say something along the lines of:
.........When this fruit is ripe it will depress slightly under moderate to medium-moderate pressure from three fingers. Make sure that you don't use more than three fingers, and also make sure that at least one of the fingers is your index finger. Ripeness usually occurs when the moon is in its waxing gibbous phase. If it appears to be ripe during the waning gibbous phase then you're probably holding a potato. When under ripe, consumption can cause hip dysplasia and 24hr blindness, when overripe consumption may or may not turn your skin inside-out. If an unripe fruit is accidentally eaten, find three sprigs of tarragon and, holding them in your left hand, twist them apart, clockwise, with your right hand and hold both hands under boiling water until the symptoms dissipate. If they do not, you will need to find a volcano and a Navajo shaman who speaks fluent Esperanto and.........
Look, I don't have time for all of this. I'm a simple man. I don't want to rely on a Ouija as a guide for ripeness. I just want to eat fruit that taste like chocolate pudding. Is that too much to ask? So, there it sits, on my table, until I can figure out when eating it won't make me sterile. I guess I'm saying, wish me luck.
-Ryan
